Laughing quietly to myself

About the advertisement played in Kroger as I shopped this morning that ended with, "Pork! Be inspired."

Laughing quietly to myself

About how Delta was playing an instrumental version of Sweet Child O' Mine as background music on the plane as I boarded in Atlanta.

Laughing quietly to myself

About listening to two teenage girls, one from Georgia and one from Long Island, try to have a conversation, with difficulty, because they don't understand each others' accents. In particular, the word "awesome" was a sticking point.

"It was, like, so oooaaahhhsum."

"Um. I'm not sure what you mean. Sorry."

"Oooaaahhhsum! You know, like, super great...super cool!"

"..."

"..."

"Oh! Aaaaaahsome! Yeah, I got you."

Laughing quietly to myself

About how when Matthew received his custom t-shirt in the mail, he was also accidentally sent an order intended for a woman in Australia. When he called the company to inform them of their mistake, he was told to just keep the extra shirts. So I now own a tank top that reads: RUN LIKE CHANNING TATUM IS WAITING FOR YOU AT THE FINISH LINE.

Laughing quietly to myself

About how I was watching the Norwegian black metal documentary Until the Light Takes Us about the guys who caused all kinds of ruckus including suicide, murder, and church burnings and I was like, "Babe, can you pause it? I have to hydrate for yoga."

Laughing quietly to myself

About how Matthew said if he were a stripper this would be his signature song: Fuji Club by Egyptrixx feat. Trust

Laughing quietly to myself

About how Matthew is recommending the Bones Brigade documentary and talking to our ex-military, actor, checkerboard Vans-wearing, skateboarding plumber about the movies the plumber has been in while he fixes our water heater. From my eavesdropping it sounds as if he's played mostly generals and thugs.

Laughing quietly to myself

About what Renee said about Chik-fil-A on Christmas night when I was sitting in her kitchen drinking wine and Fireball whisky: You can't make sweet tea with hate in your heart.

Lauging quietly to myself

About the topics of books I'm reading right now:

- Southern cooking
- Vegetarian cooking by my friend Lukas
- Espionage, intel, the FBI
- Country music

Laughing quietly to myself

About how my friend was researching online for a new Glock to buy when he looked up and said he doesn't like the movie Kill Bill because it's too violent. Welcome to Tennessee, y'all!

Laughing quietly to myself

About how I thought I was texting Matthew but accidentally wrote our van driver in Scranton and 1) called him baby and 2) told him that the more I thought about it the more I liked the idea of vacationing in Canada. "I don't even know your name," he said after reading the texts aloud to everyone in the van. Thanks, Phil.

Laughing quietly to myself (just a little)

About how Matthew was trailed by store staff when he shopped at Target in a Nashville suburb. Next time he goes to Target, if there is a next time (there will be next time), I hope he walks in, approaches the first employee he sees and says, "Hi, my name is Matthew. I'm 32 years old and have a Masters degree in Library Science. I'm wearing a "battle jacket" that I made by sewing patches and a smattering of black studs onto my black denim jacket. Yes, I like punk, hardcore, and metal but I also like Ryan Adams' love songs and opera. I don't have a patch of Maria Callas to prove that so you'll have to take my word for it. I own an energy-efficient washer and dryer and wear expensive deodorant from Sephora that doesn't contain aluminum. My wife and I just bought a new couch from Macys. I did not come to Target to steal CDs from your shitty music collection; I need a LAMPSHADE. What aisle can I find that in? Thank you."

Laughing quietly to myself

About how I got on the bus this morning to find a bag from Cracker Barrel full of $80 worth of baby moccasins. Most incongruous thing ever found on a tour bus.

Laughing quietly to myself

About how I overheard a cashier at Sally Beauty Supply tell someone to put the warranty for her new curling iron "in the same place you keep your birth certificate." Apparently I've been seriously underestimating the value of curly hair.

Laughing quietly to myself

About how I told Rob the two cassettes I bought at the same time in high school: Nine Inch Nails and James Taylor. He countered with his young double purchase of Helmet and C+C Music Factor. Fair play, Rob. You're just about as confused open-minded as me.

Laughing quietly to myself

About how I asked for the internet password at the coffeehouse and the barista leaned in and said, "WATERMELON...ALL CAPS..." as slow and deliberate as if we were CIA agents. I've never heard watermelon sound so ominous.

Laughing quietly to myself

About how I called home to see what Matthew was doing and he was sewing a button on a shirt and watching Roseanne.

Laughing quietly to myself

About how I was standing in a Memphis radio station this morning while the DJs were on the air and felt something in my sock. I (discreetly?) pulled my boot off and reached into my sock and pulled out a CHUNK OF BACON. I want to say that, "Wow, I'm that person?" But I don't think "people who find bacon in their socks" exists. Until now, my friends. Until now.

ps I had a room service cobb salad last night.

Laughing quietly to myself

About how when I was riding bikes through Oceanside with Marisa and I asked her which street we should take to cross Mission, she said the street with the light BECAUSE DANGER DOESN'T TAKE A HOLIDAY.

Laughing quietly to myself

About how Matthew woke me up in the middle of the night talking in his sleep about what a good movie Karate Kid is.