Junkie Spice

I'm challenge greater than the hotel minibar: much greater, by about eight feet. The table outside the production office that is covered with snacks is as dangerous and sinister as table offering a bowl of marshmallows can be. And I'm not alone. People up and down the corridor are cursing the table. My weakness is wasabi almonds.

I don't know what it is with the Blue Diamond brand but Geoff and I had tins of Blue Diamonds on the American Idol bus and he got so protective of his favorite flavor, jalapeƱo smokehouse, that he wrote on the lid: DO NOT COVET. Like these nuts are so good, they're OLD TESTAMENT GOOD. Like Moses himself doesn't want you eating my nuts.

Yesterday I was bingeing with a Zweck, making a mix of wasabi almonds and wasabi peas when he noticed a tin of a new flavor we hadn't noticed - lime & chili almonds - and we got excited. Maybe me more so than him. I went back to work and tried to focus but couldn't concentrate. Eventually I couldn't resist and snuck to the door and around the corner to fill up another cup of nuts and peas. I planned to walk casually back to my desk but Zweck had heard the almond tin shaking in the hallway, had also left his desk, and was staring at me pointedly when I turned around. His eyes, deadpan and accusatory, were also gloating and I jumped.


Some of us in management been assigning each other Spice names a la Sporty, Baby, Ginger, Posh, and Scary. In the process we end up fighting about what names we do and don't want. Lately I've defended myself vehemently against being called Junkie Spice. Because I do not shoot heroin. Do I drown my innards in coffee everyday? Absolutely. Caffeine does not a junkie make.

The person who wants to call me Junkie Spice is English and I just about had it when she lectured me on my "patterns of dependency." I, like many people, have experimented. I tried to be a stoner my first year of college and hated it. I tried harder drugs later but it was never really me. So I asked her what we were talking about. Cocaine, sleeping pills, cigarettes? No? If all she had to go on was coffee then I wasn't taking it.

I got so worked up I actually yelled at her, "You fucking English people and your tea! What is THAT?"

Wow, that was defensive. And kind of offensive and she's kind of my boss. If anything, I'm a food junkie and need to quit pigging out on all the nuts on the table. I made a concerted effort not to loiter by the table yesterday and even when I received this photo from Zweck, reminding me of all that is good in the world, I resisted obsessing.

But when Geoff put the kettle on and all the Brits in the office started arguing about which tea is better, Yorkshire or PG Tips, and if the PG Tips brand is effeminate (?), I got even more resolute to defend my coffee habit. Or we can admit we're all junkies in one way or another.


roopa said...

Chocolate bar that's NOT for girls (yes it's real)

ronckytonk said...

i can't decide if I want this to be a joke or be real.

roopa said...

I'll mail one to you if that's what it will take to convince you that it's real.

zan said...

PG Tips is for the chimpanzees. Of course, it's also what our household drinks. (Though we keep Yorkshire on standby for when we're feeling particularly masculine.)