Doug, in a desperate fight for his life

I've tried very hard lately not to write about squid or octopus because I had this feeling that the post would end with I guess you had to be there. How many times have I re-told a story that wasn't funny to anyone else? Every time Jocardo and I have shared anything with anyone.

Just this morning I injured my nasal cavity from laughing at an email - I basically CHOKED ON A SNORT - and when everyone in the front lounge of the bus looked at me, I told them that Matthew had a dream that he gave me rabies and we started attacking people together. For some reason, they all just stared. Though my wrapping an Ace bandage around my tonsils may have contributed to that. What? IT HURT.


Last week I was driving back to the production rehearsal hotel with Lindsay and Leila and we got in a fight about whether squids are as smart as dogs. I decided at the time that it was a private battle. We all know, anyway, that squids are as smart as dogs. We discussed giant squids and octopus and sharks and when Lindsay and I said we'd pretty much die of shock if we saw any of those three underwater and that is why we don't scuba dive or snorkle, Leila responded. 

"You're more likely to get trampled by an elephant than attacked by a shark!"

Which is SUCH a surfer statistic to know/make up.

"Well," I said, "To be perfectly honest, I'd go with the elephant."

Then she asked if we'd rather get hit by the bus crossing the intersection in front of us than be bitten by a shark.

"I just don't understand why those are our only choices," I said.

I mean, I know it's related to how Sunny was adamant in seventh grade about wanting to be mauled by a tiger. Because that would be an exciting and cool way to go. Headline-making, possibly glorifying etc. Whereas I fear the knowledge that I'm a goner inherent in that type of death and would prefer a simple carbon monoxide accident BUT THAT'S JUST ME.

This squid and octopus business went on for awhile. Several days later, though, after clearing up some technical questions on squid heads and what kind of eyes they have, I let it go. The other two were still at it in Vegas when we shared an office and were making references to "squid-like telepathy" which I ignored since I was stressing about ticketing for the upcoming LA show.

I was over the creatures of the deep. Until this morning when I had two hours on the bus from San Jose to Sacramento and I watched a video Leila sent me, a video that confirms I won't be getting my scuba certificate any time soon.

"An angry octopus is hiding in the shadows, stalking his prey..."

It "wraps its powerful tentacles around Doug's head" (Doug = scuba diver) and tries to drag him into his den. Octopus have dens! I did not know that. It pulls the mask off Doug's face while Doug makes "one final attempt to escape the creature's vice-like grip."

"I've never come across a more aggressive octopus," comments Doug.

Huh! Me either, Doug, and I sincerely doubt I ever will. But I have a couple of questions for the cameraman.

Was there perhaps anything that you could have done besides film Doug's desperate fight for his life? Were Doug's strangling noises, muffled yet audible behind his scuba mask, maybe a signal that he could have used some help in, um, staying alive?

Or maybe his strangles were dubbed, like I've heard animal shows regularly do in order to intensify the terror or the drama or whatever it is that they're going for. A friendly reminder of how savage nature is? I don't know, but I'm checking my carbon monoxide detector when I get home.


Anonymous said...

doug's a pussy. what did that thing weigh? like 20 pounds dripping wet? i think maybe doug played it up for the overzealous melodramatic E! Entertainment announcer! still, that would suck, and i agree about the elephant/shark thingy.
proud granny

djempirical said...

i tried google to see whether anyone else had tackled the question of whether squids are smater than dogs. i found nothing on that particular debate, though i did find this helpful page, which may prove nothing except that there are some *people* dumber than squids.

personally, i would go with squids, because... well... dogs can fuck off.

The Librarian said...

"Most of the recent human rabies cases in the United States have been caused by rabies virus from bats."

Coincidence, I think not.


Butta C.U.P. said...

My question...what the hell was the videographer doing?! Put down the damn camera and pick up a knife. I would be serving up kalamari or some okonomiyaki. At that point, I would become the worlds best Sushi chef and kick some serious tentacle! And side story, I just looked up tentacle on google to see if I spelled it correctly and came across this...http://www.the-emperor.org/wiki/tentacle_porn/

beware the tangent.


Anonymous said...

You don't need to watch more than two minutes of this video


to hear "their behavior seems to reveal a level of intelligence and curiosity, often only attributed to mammals"

Announcer guy doesn't say which mammals... but it could be evidence.