1. WHY ARE TOMATOES SO ANNOYING?
Tomatoes are delicious, especially when ripe and straight from the vine to the farmer's market. With a little salt and pepper, I'd eat a tomato like an apple and lick the juicy mess from my hands like a puppydog.
But when I see tomatoes in my salad, I get annoyed. I avoid them, eating around the tomatoes until I remember, "WAIT, those things taste GOOD," and I eat the whole pile and wonder, again, why I did that.
2. WHY DOES BRUSHING MY TEETH MAKE ME A.D.D.?
I brush my teeth twice a day and dig dental hygiene, especially after working with dentists in Guatemala. After witnessing the rotten stubs and gums down there, I became a big time flosser and paid a lot of money for a professional cleaning without insurance.
But every day, about 10 seconds after I start brushing, I think, "I really want to wash my hands right now" or "My hair is f'd up, let's fix it" or "Let me just pick these clothes up off the floor real quick" and I do it all with the toothbrush hanging out of my mouth. Then I resume brushing and hope that this time I'll be able to brush faster that I can think.
3. WHY DOES THE SOUND OF DAVID BYRNE SINGING IN PORTUGUESE MAKES ME WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD?
The first time I listened to the Beleza Tropical CD that DB produced, I was entranced. I wanted to put on a flowy skirt and twirl around my room in an embarrassing fashion. I wondered if my parents still have the shiny gold, silver, and green miniskirt and ruffled tube top with matching gold hair bow and plastic fruit earrings that I traded with a Brazilian girl named Flavia at the international CISV camp in 1986.
Lucky Flavia went home in a SQUARE DANCING OUTFIT. Sucks to be you, Flavia. Where is my gold bow? I want to practice capoeira.
Anyway, my rapture was broken the first time David Byrne opened his mouth to join the musicians he so admires. Because his accent sucks so much ass that I don't know why he doesn't have a raging case of Hepatitis A.
If I HAD been wearing my gold bow when I first heard him sing in Portuguese, I'd have been very lucky because it happens to be big enough to cover the whole top of my head and both ears if I hold the edges down.
So I guess I have sort of figured out number three, after all.