May, thou hast fucked with me

I wrestle with days on a regular basis but at the moment I'm in a full-blown spat with a month. May just pulled my hair and I spit in her eye. I thought I was preoccupied in April and I WAS but now I want to go back, cuddle with April and tell her I'm sorry for being such a bitch. Don't even talk to me about March. I'll go down on March.

I told Matthew on the phone yesterday that I'm usually all about the big picture. I like meta, knowing how it all connects, taking a step back and viewing from a distance. May, however, has just been putting one foot in front of the other.

Every three days this month I thought, "Is it May whatever date already?" Cue: incredulity and disbelief concerning time and space. Where I am? What am I doing? What am I SUPPOSED to be doing?

I talk about drinking and the special feeling Bud Light gives me but I'm not a huge drinker all the time. I mean, yes, according to Matthew the amount of recycling (bottles) that gets taken out to the curb at home has dropped dramatically since I left and I like drinking but I do it in phases. Having said that, I may be in a phase at the moment.

I'd probably have a drinking problem if hangovers didn't suck so much. If I were one of those types who could drink slow and steady for hours I'd probably be either on a bender or blowing my nose into a Kleenex at an AA meeting right now. As it is, I drink two glasses of wine, polish off a big bag of BBQ potato chips in bed, and it's over. Crunch.

It's been a while but I have another drinking side which is reported to be entertaining and I'm told I seem either a) perfectly one hundred percent sober, just real happy or b) actively seeking trouble and then proceeding to get into it but c) it's all hearsay to me because my memory from those nights is patchy. Okay, I was in a total blackout.  I bring this up because since I've been working so much this month, I've remembered what appeals about drinking. I'm on the edge, on the edge, on the edge and then...sip...the edge has receded. It's way over there and not so steep after all. Everything is just a little better, a little easier, thanks to my good friend beer.

I'm all about balance, however, so I do what I need to stay even. Taking that sip before my working day is over would definitely not be in balance. Drinking so much that I want to eat a whole big bag of BBQ potato chips is not in balance. And for the record, working so feverishly that all I can do to keep from slipping off the edge is have a drink is not in balance either. But it's where I am right now.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

not complainin', i'm just saying...

that i can relate, totally, except my work is being a milk trough, like the fing store never closes, it's like foodsmart around here, open 247, except all dairy, all the time.

i am feeling the edge, as it cuts into the soles of my feet and i remember how i used to make it recede in such a lovely way, like a year ago... a big drink or 3 on the porch after a long day of art for gangbangers.

but, thank god, kind of that may is behind us, because altho it was lovely and filled with lots of love & care from you and others, that shit is nothing i want to snuggle up to.

bring on june, bitches, i'm so ready.