I foresee a lot of drinking straws in my future

Today I went to the dentist. Before I finally got health insurance this spring, I relied on my good health, put my feet up in the stirrups at Planned Parenthood yearly, and every once in a while remembered to have my plaquey teeth cleaned. Because I never had a cavity until last year I figured that teeth were low on my super sketchy health care scale of importance.

Well, yeah. They're okay but apparently have french roast stained all over the backs that doesn't want to come off. I know because I gave that dental hygienist a serious P90x-style workout trying. She finally gave up, left the room to pat her forehead with her surgical mask, replenish some electrolytes, and came back to polish.

Quick question: Why do people talk to you when you have a mouth full of sharp instruments, a hose, and their hands? Furthermore, don't ask questions! My answering is going to end badly. She was nice, I liked her, and if we were in any position besides her shoving her hands into the back of my throat, I would have talked to her. Instead I just raised my eyebrows.

I now know that I need to brush my teeth gently for a couple of minutes every night, not attack them violently for thirty seconds. If you look at my and Matthew's toothbrush in the cup in the bathroom, his is the one that looks almost new even though he brushes religiously. Mine is the one whose bristles are flattened and bent at a ninety degree angle. And evidently if you take a good look at my gums, mine are receding because I am brushing them straight into oblivion. I'm so psyched.

Maybe, in light of that, it's not quite as bad that I'm also GRINDING MY TEETH AWAY. They are becoming flat, I am told. Perhaps I have adapted this habit to compensate for the gums situation. Do I really want to have tiny gums and long teeth when I'm an old lady? Hard to say. Either way, I signed up for a bite guard, an acrylic piece I'll wear in my mouth at night and hoo-boy is Matthew going to be pumped. My bite guard is sure to make for some hot make out sessions.

But really, what I really am regretting now is that I can't wear Grillz tonight.

A few days ago, after much quoting of Wayne's World and Ferris Bueller's Day Off, we rented both movies. Matthew had a migraine and I was sure, while standing in line at Blockbuster, that wearing Grillz would help his head.

We've now watched Ferris and Wayne's World is queued up for tonight. I, however, cannot put a piece of candy on my teeth and let it dissolve there with a clear conscience. My teeth are so clean right now, I felt guilty earlier eating a piece of asparagus and had to brush immediately.